ONE REPUBLIC

My mom's friend - she was a really good friend of my mom for a while, supposedly, but we only met her a few years ago Anyway, this woman, everytime I meet her she forces me to change the way I think. For my own sake, I guess. But its pretty hard to take in. I guess it must feel like what I do to others. Divine Punishment, I guess.

Because I 've told many a person things I had no right to say, hurt them for more than I'm worth, unintentionally, without thinking. I think, about 3 or 4 times now. The most important thing I think she bashed this time around was me "feeling guilty" for what I've done. Making myself the victim so I don't have to go through the process of forgiving myself for something I shouldn't have done. That one hurt a lot. Not for any good reason, probably just because of my pride and this other, super important reason whose name eludes me... Its making myself look good. Telling myself "I feel guilty, so I won't do it again" "I'm such a great person despite what I said or did because I regret it" when really all I'm doing is making it easier to keep on going haphazardly, wrecking things here and there as I woddle along the narrow paths. But I've just been challenged, and my pride forces me to accept. Can I find the strength to forgive myself and move on? Can I find the strength to, like before, acknowledge the damage I've done, but not try to atone for it in any way, leave it and leave it up to the wounded to tend to themselves? Can I find the strength to think on my mistakes, understand them, and apologize once, in that order? "Apologizing more than once is like asking permission to do it again. If you feel sorry, then you feel sorry, but if you beg for forgiveness, if you play the part of the repentant sinner, then who's the victim then? Arent you the one who wants to be apologized to? Apologize to me for getting angry, for getting sad that I insulted you. Apologize because right now I feel terrible, terribly bad, I don't want to be the one at fault. I know you feel terrible because of what I said before but I feel more terrible than you because I'm the bad guy but I never wanted to be. I want to roll around in self pity to alleviate the sickness. *My* sickness, not the one I gave to you, duh. All humans are selfish, after all.

Its hard not to apologize, though. Can I live up to the challenge and shut up? Say no more than what is necessary? That'd be pretty hard, especially for me who likes to talk. For me who likes to be the hero. To be the best, the nicest. I guess I am a boss after all, but a boss of what? *A king of my own planet*, no doubt. *A grown up.* A fool. A weakling. A victim. Of society. Of guilt from hurting others. I'm altruistic, you see.

So I'll do it. I'll remember from the crushing, humiliating defeat the lesson of wisdom. The best teachers are the harsh ones. They don't pull back the blows. They don't soothe your ego. They force you to listen, not because they are strong but because you know, though you try not to admit it, that they're right.

So I'll do it. Think on it. Apologize once, truthfully, with meaning more and deeper that a thousand of my apologies from before. Shall I apologize like this to those who have already received my half assed excuses? No. Maybe they understand what's really going on. Maybe they've already forgiven me. So who's really the one being hurt? Its just me. Because I'm playing the victim.

But I will allow myself a smaller comfort. Hold on, I'm trying to recall the memories, understand the reasons why I'm sorry. There. I said it. Its because of me speaking out of turn, above myself and about things I know nothing of, of people I know nothing about. Because I'm ignorant. Because I pretended not to be and acted all high-and-mighty. Because I assumed, because because because... Because I'm ignorant??? I feel sorry for being ignorant? For being less of a person than I had hoped I was? I feel sorry for myself, not for you. How selfish. I don't learn very fast, apparently. Ah, but you've probably already forgotten and moved on. Its easier to forgive when you're not in the wrong. So I guess I shouldn't have to apologize after all. Its too late anyway. It was too late before the first time I said it. So I guess I should thank you then. No fanciness, I'll make an effort and silence the drama I like so much. A simple "Thank You" will suffice. "You should know why."

Merci, Lor-