...And the curtain falls, and a new Act begins

Falling, falling down, whisps in the wind, the chilly air lifting me up, blowing away the covers. This is how a new year starts. If there is a God, you know... Soft winter wind, soft snowflakes soothing old wounds and fresh patches to old cracks in my wall. They're not there anymore. Gone with the wind. I don't get it. Am I free? No one was keeping me tied up. But now my kennel's full, my shed's a little warmer, my heart's a little brighter. Woof woof.

... I don't know how to start. I feel like I've learned a little more about myself, and about how life works. Lorraine was right. Its hard to remember sometimes, but everyone else has their own paths and they too, grow along the way. What was I afraid of? I don't know anymore. Perhaps I feared something that would make me need to feel bad? In my case the victim gets so engrossed in the play that he starts to believe that he's actually the victim. But I guess I feared having to confront the past. That's usually the line they pull in stories. Mine wasn't really exciting. I feel a bit... different. Before, I thought of regular life as static and a thing you want to avoid. This morning though, in the car on the snowy road home, I felt as though - crap, words escape me -  everyone has a "path" and everyone also fundamentally stays the same. It's not "better" to wander, and I certainly wouldn't call it free. My escapist fantasies of before seem today a bit hollow and fake; I wanted to run, but its running away that I was doing. I thought of "staticity" as living in one spot, not going forwards with life, not learning, but some way along the line it got perverted and became a negative attribute that everyone but myself carried. *I* was the static one. I wasn't learning new things, I was constantly changing my mind, carrying preconception and judgements to people without restraint.

So yes, for the first time ever, I feel as though I lost and gained something as the new year rolls by. I awoke to it lying face first on a rug, in my winter coat - it was a white rug, in an easy light and spacious house, and it was snowing. I didn't know what to do so I tried to meditate, but I was still groggy and couldn't pull it off, so lay down and fell asleep again.

Then I pretended to help clean the mess we'd made, I didn't know how to make myself useful, I walked around and swiped a counter and everyone woke up and I didn't really want to leave, but there was nothing really to stay for, except company. So finally, I decided to leave. And I did look. I said I'd see everyone the next year. But really, I might not see them until we're 30. We'll see how it goes. I got in the car and waved goodbye to the house and its occupants and the people pushing the snow off their cars, I said "Sayonara", but to myself, and then it occured to me that I hadn't thought of saying "I wish you well". But whatever. I've got a sneaking suspicion that if hadn't already read my mind and knew then, they'll get it. I guess I really was playing the victim all along. Can I turn around now and say that I'm not like that anymore? Can I look up with a smile in the corner of  my mouth, and walk along, like in a music video or something? Did I get what I came for? What did I want?

There was nothing to say, nothing worth saying, and fear perhaps, held my tongue. I'm thankful to it. Certain things can't and shouldn't be explained with words.

Oh but about that insight on myself; maybe its not that I'm "not static", I'm definitely not free and I'm not really a wanderer, so what? This morning, driving back I think, it occured to me that perhaps I'm just lost. ...
But that's okay, right? I used to admire everyone and their paths then I turned around and ridiculed? insulted? dismissed? them. Looks like I was just jealous. I'm glad that people around me are so... not well grounded, but into life. Everyone's working hard for their dreams. They're so more mature than I am. A friend once told me "What you'll get running around is the same as what you'd get if you stayed here." I understand that statement now, and I agree. At the end of the day, I'll grow up in both cases. It might even be faster to stay. Because all I've been doing since I left highschool is jump from one little thing to the next, and I don't think I was ever doing it for any specific reason. I go to school every morning because it's what's expected of me. That's how I live my life, and that's why I can't choose anything until the last minute. Because I have to eliminate the choice; in the end, I take the final option and follow it till it dies, then start again, no? Is this a moment of lucidity? Because if it is, then I know what I should do next year.
...
It was such a good drive, but I sped through most of it. "Wake Up" by The Arcade Fire, a Canadian Alt Rock band, I think. It kept ringing in my head, I dunno why. I just now looked up the lyrics and realised what it was about. It doesn't exactly apply to me but I put my own interpretation into it.

Listen to the song. It's like it was made just for times like these. I feel like this song right now.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEKC5pyOKFU
lyrics here:
http://www.lyricsmania.com/lyrics/arcade_fire_lyrics_3537/funeral_lyrics_11085/wake_up_lyrics_128490.html