Comfortably Numb

I don't like the past. I never did. Since I was young... And I didn't like the future, either. I tried to run away from the present... in books, toys, videogames, drawing, then anime, then manga....

I'm Numb. Comfortably numb. Deciding on a whim, pushing aside all responsibilities, never looking anywhere, so I wouldn't be rattled by what I'd seen... Thoughtlessly wasting away, not moving forwards, not learning from my mistakes, pretending to care while the console hums and I sit in the zone oblivious...

What did I do? What should I think of such and such bad call on my part? What shall I do from now on? Tomorrow? Next Year? What do I want to do? Shall I go on?

Whenever I start to realize that feeling of urgency,  I become inspired to draw, or I sit all night watching anime and reading comics. And I get angry or unnerved when I'm interrupted, because it forces me to remember that I'm wasting time.

I don't want to think of the past. There are too many sad and wonderful things for this kid to process. The future is scary. The present...

I met a person who doesn't care about the world. Is one selfish for wanting only one's own happiness? Or is that just being honest? Are such  modest, realistic goals to be applauded? I don't feel like doing any more than I have to to help the planet either. And at the same time, I want to make a difference. I do care about the world at large. I've seen it. Africa is a tangible place in my head. I know what pollution does, I understand it, more than before anyway. I understand the flawed thinking of men, I like to think. I can almost see the paths sometimes. I can't deny this weight. Perhaps I should have scolded her, but how can I judge others? What I think is the right thing isn't really the right thing. Can I really tell others to do what I think is right, just because to me, it feels right?

Perhaps it's better than the alternatives. I validated her, more or less. I should not have. People are entitled to their own foolish opinions, but to not hold up your own because someone else has a different one is just weakness. For the record, I think you're naive. The world is a big place, a tangible place. It's not just "the earth" it's our home. YOUR home. MY home. And the home of countless other people who don't know you nor care about you. But since we share the shelter, the food, the materials the earth provides us, and since you and I seem to have a bigger share than the rest, we should at least become aware of this weight we have to carry. Since we share, we gotta share the work too. I'm living in a dream world, treading slowly and growing slowly, but you're also denying reality. For your own convenience. You're comfortably numb. You ignorant, foolish dumbass.

Hey you, your way of thinking is outdated. Self-serving doesn't accomplish anything. Individualism kills the group.  Being content with one's own happiness is good, but we aren't living in a utopian system. This world is dying. If everyone just decided to look for their own happiness, sure we'd be happy, but...

And can you imagine the horror of waking up from such a dream? Would that be true happiness? Or would you run further, having no choice but to keep denying the reality you shun until finally it explodes in your face? This ignorance was the folly of the 20th century. Your way of thinking is archaic. Self-destructive. I will judge you, since you can't judge yourself. The fate of mankind is such: either man up and take your responsibilities at heart, or disappear into the wind as the times change but you sit still. In a way, I don't care for those who don't care for others. In more than one way. You're unneeded, and I feel a sudden rage at your lethargy. Probably because I'm similar. Definitely because I'm the same, but at the same time, I have these contradictory beliefs, they sometimes move me forward a great deal. But you... Useless things should be discarded. Dead weights, forsaken. Ignorants, fools and selfishly-minded relics from the past... Shot and fed to the worms. You're breathing my oxygen. Drinking my water. We'll need it in the future you try to ignore. Get lost or get going, you burden, you parasite, you waste of molecules.

Or will you smile with both eyes welded shut when the world crumbles around you on judgment day?

This is the rage I carry for my own tendency to stagnate. Of course, your type of person holds the blinds closed too strongly for me to force them open, make you or anyone acknowledge this truth which makes me feel superior at times. You'll just dismiss me and crawl back into your delusions. But hell, maybe I am superior. I can see my own flaws. And then, once in a while, I work up the courage to fight them, a bit. It's a small victory, but still light-years ahead of you.