Finding Peace

Have you ever experienced something odd, something you think you understand but at the same time don't quite know how it happened or whether or not it was real?

... I guess you must have.

Earlier tonight - which actually was the early morning, I got up from my chair, feeling a back discomfort, and decided that it would get better if I tried to sit on the toilet. But as soon as I stood up, a strong pain seized me in the lower back and in my kidneys? The kidney area? Anyway, I stumbled into the bathroom but could find no relief, and the pain seemed to get worse. So I came back out and decided to lie on the ground, and did.

What kind of pain was this? Was this a back seizure? Is this what my mom endured for 3 whole days before her friend finally forced her to go to the hospital? I couldn't believe it. It was so painful I couldn't even shit. I rolled around, scraping the carpet, then crawled onto the sofa and lay there, twitching only with my feet and feeling nothing but amazement that one could go on living with what I thought was intolerable. And the more I thought about it, the more it hurt, and stretching didn't help for anything.

So I breathed, and tried to think of the void. The white void, to be exact. Almost instantly I felt a bit better, but then when I paused to celebrate the seizure hit me like a truck, and I was twitching and muttering again. But I was thinking too. It worked. So...

I jumped down from the sofa. Sat cross legged. Put my hands together. Closed my eyes. Tried to regulate my breathing, it was really hard at first because all I wanted was to breathe as much and as fast as I could. I thought of the void, of my hara "fan" visualizer of energy circulating. I put both hands over my stomach, tried to push energy into my midsection, but it didn't work. So I just breathed. I started to feel better. I quieted my breath. Soon it was easy. The pain was like a throb in the back of my mind. Then it vanished. I opened my eyes and it was 3.

What had happened? Had I fallen asleep? I did not dream, and I was,  for trying desperately to shut out the real world, strangely aware of it. Of my slow breathing. Of the dissipating pain, too, at first. But then only the void, and only ever so often. I don't think I thought of anything... Was this meditation? or just sleeping in the sitting position? I thought it mattered, but it doesn't. The importance is that I was able to defeat the seizure and get rid of my tiredness.

I can't help but wonder what might have gone wrong with my brother at 3-4 am EST on a Sunday. Are those things possible? I don't believe in that, but If I was able to rid  myself of pain through meditation, or forced sleep, then why not?